I think I’m so Hell bent on communicating with my son’s dad because I want some answers; I want him to apologize for all the shit I found out after his death; I want him to say how sorry he is for hurting me; I want him to see how beautiful our son is and I want some fucking closure. This PTSD shit is bullshit. No, I have not gotten therapy to directly deal with this— I’m scared to— I don’t want them to make it worse. Meaning, they open up the hole and I’m not able to shut it/heal it. I’ve been doing therapy since I was 16-years old— I honestly don’t know what other different kind of methods they’d try— I feel like I’ve tried them all. Yes, I recognize my close-mindedness and resistance right now— it’s an excuse for me to not seek treatment.

I attempted to contact my son’s dad again tonight — I even put on his favorite gray jacket, but nothing. No contact. And last night when I was writing down those “messages” I believed I was receiving from my son’s dad, yeah…..no, I don’t think it was him. I think those were my thoughts — I’m just trying to make sense of it all. It’s been over 3.5-years since my son’s dad died and I’m still hurting. I’m still fucking traumatized. WTF.

So, I’m watching “Make the Cut”. I do not watch regular tv. The only tv I watch are my son’s shows and movies. Sometimes Donnie will want to watch movies and shows that I like, too, but as of late, we are watching Cocomelon non-stop. Good times, y’all.

My dream guy is pretty much that— a dream. I really don’t see how I’ll find a man that meets all my standards. I don’t want to put that negativity out in the Universe, but FUCK!! Dating sites suck balls so hard. Match is paid and it expires December. And Tinder…..which is a joke. They’re both jokes. I hid my profile again, on both apps, for the millionth time. Whatever. Obviously me finding my dream man is not in the cares for me at this moment— and that is fine because I have more pressing matters at hand— like, my son and my career. And, self-care. I need to focus on those parts of my life hardcore— and I AM. Except the self-care part…..I’m still not making myself get to bed at a decent time and I’m so fucking tired all the fucking time. I just want time to wind down after I put Donnie to bed…..and then it’s fucking 1am. Ugh….I really want to watch another episode of Make the Cut!!!— but it’s already 12:09am!!! 😳😳😳😳 Y’all, it’s a problem……BUT, it’s Friday!!!! Lol it doesn’t matter what day it is!!— Donnie wakes up bright and early every day!