I’m pretty sure I have body dysmorphia. My brain will often see a distorted physical view of my body. Meaning, I’ll think I’m fatter than I really am or I’ll think I look older than I really do. I’ll hone-in on my physical imperfections……or, at least what I perceive to be “imperfect”. I’m very aware that I spend too much time on analyzing my physical appearance. Since I’ve been in quarantine, I have not worked out in about 6 months– hence, why I’m feeling fat. I HAVE gained some weight…..I’m not living a delusional life, but I have not gained TOO much weight. I just don’t feel like myself. Physical exercise is super important because number 1, it’s good for your overall physical health and number 2, it’s great for your mental health– working out pumps up your serotonin level and makes you literally happier!

And right now I’m in a gray area……meaning, I could feel shitty or good. It IS a choice, but (the infamous BUT), the habit I have of picking at my face and body (AKA: Self Harm/Self Injury) likes to steer me to the shitty choice. This process is also called self-sabotage. So, today I’ve been feeling “meh” and I picked a little bit at my face. What does this confirm to ME? Well, my brain tells me, “See, you ARE ugly, Michelle and nobody loves you. You should just isolate all the time because nobody wants to see you anyways.” How kind is that? No, not kind and it’s NOT true!!!

Here are some things that are NOT helping my mood:

1. I did NOT get enough sleep last night. I stayed up dicking around on my laptop……yes, I was working, BUT it did NOT have to be completed last night. I just get so fucking obsessive about wanting things to be perfect and then I’m the one who suffers because I’m neglecting my mental and physical health. So, yes, lack of sleep is a biggie for me– I feel like shit today because I only got a few hours of sleep.

2. I woke up crabby. I woke up late. I got obsessive about my website again and started fucking around a bit with that. Some things weren’t working and then I got irritated even more. Today is Donnie’s first day back at daycare and I was supposed to get him there at 7am……yeah, that didn’t happen. We rolled in at around 8:30am.

3. Lastly, I’m on my period (day 2). My mood gets extra “swingy” when I’m floatin’ on the red river.

So, here’s the deal, I can restart my day and calm the FUCK down or not. I think I’ll do the first one. I MIGHT even take a little nap…….we’ll see. I really need to take care of myself mentally and physically because when I don’t, I’m not the best mom I can be to Donnie and I’m not my best self. Ok, Michelle, let’s do this. Let’s make this a BADASS day because why???– because YOU ARE A FUCKING BADASS.