I know this is trippy, but those intrusive words, “You are mine always and forever” that I heard two nights ago...... Those were MY WORDS from a future conversation I had with my son’s dad early this morning at 2:02am. Fucking weird!!! I was the possessive one!!!

To catch you up, two nights ago, I attempted to contact my son’s dad. I started writing down “thoughts” or what I believe to have been “messages” from my son’s dad. It COULD have been him or not……I might have been writing down words and phrases just to make me feel better……such as, “I’m sorry I hurt you. I miss you. I love our son.” But, a few phrases stuck out. One phrase being, “I’m fine here.”— that seemed strange. And then here are the kickers…..”You are mine. You are mine always and forever.” I was like, WTF??? That seemed awfully possessive! I was like, surely, this is not him. NOPE. Because it was ME!!!! Those were MY WORDS from a future conversation I had with my son’s dad early this morning at 2:02am. Fucking weird!!! I was the possessive one!!!

I tried communicating with my son’s dad earlier last night, but no dice. So, I watched some tv, which I rarely do…..to try and “relax”. I had been up for awhile, so I decided to go to bed since it was almost 2am. I was sleeping on the couch downstairs to be with Kahlua (she’s still not 100% feeling better). I had my cat next to me and was snuggling with her, petting her. Then, my cat’s eyes started getting HUGE and her eyes were following something around the room. “Something” was hovering above me and then went to the right, then back over to me again. Then, at 2:02am, my 2nd phone across the room blinked a message (I have it hooked up to my Bose speaker)— I knew it was my son’s dad. He’s always communicated with me through my phone and electronics and lights......and animals (squirrels and bunnies). I’m glad he let me know he was with me.

What triggered my “You are mine always and forever” comment ......was that I brought up reincarnation. I asked him if he was going to come back and try it again, to make different, better decisions. And I said, “I think you should do it.” And that’s when my “You’re mine always and forever” comment popped in my head. It was fucking weird and very cool and fucking trippy all at the same time. My thought last night was, “but if he reincarnates, I don’t want him to have any other babies with any other women!!!!” What a selfish, jealous bitch I am. Still have a lot of work to do in myself, obviously. Actually, it’s more about the PAIN that I have to deal with and to heal myself.

I’m never going to get the “I’m sorry I hurt you” apology from my son’s dad— and I have to learn to accept that. My son’s dad loved me the best way he knew how. I know he loved me and I loved him. There’s other, darker layers to the story after my son’s dad died, but I don’t want to write them down— that’s private. I want my son to know his dad as a loving man, a good man— because he was. Later, MUCH later in my son’s life will I tell him about how his dad died……I don’t want to have that conversation with him. I don’t want to cause my son pain— it’ll crush me to see any pain or tears in his eyes. Ok, I don’t need to focus on that, but I do think about what will I say when Donnie asks me about his dad. Donnie is so much more aware of his surroundings now and he understands so much more now. It’ll be OK.