This is a tough topic for me to talk about because with it, I carry a lot of shame and embarrassment. If you’ve never heard of Self Harm / Self Injury, here’s what it is……..at least, here’s what it is for me. I’m going to shorten Self Injury by saying “SI”. So, SI is like cutting. Most people have heard of “cutters”…..people cutting themselves to relieve their extreme mental anguish. And yes, that’s what SI is to me. My main SI is picking at my face…..whether that means picking at a zit or a nearly invisible imperfection. I’ll pick to relieve my emotional stress. It’s easier for me to deal with physical pain than emotional pain. With physical pain, at least I can physically SEE the injury. I can nurse the injury back to health……or, I can reopen the wound over and over and continue to self-sabotage. It’s a vicious cycle and I do not want to continue this habit for the rest of my life…..it’s an exhausting habit……and plus, my skin really can’t take anymore abuse. It’s not like I’m 18 and my skin bounces back super quickly. But like I said, it’s a HABIT. I heard someone say, “It’s still a habit if you’re still doing it.” I don’t remember who said that, but that tidbit stuck with me. Habits can be broken, that’s a fact, but you have to work at it to break it. You have to be consistent about your effort to quit that habit. I’m not as bad as I used to be, that’s for sure, but I still resort to SI when I’m under extreme mental duress…….or, if I have plans to do something fun. Many times, I’ve self-sabotaged fun plans with partaking in my SI habit because I didn’t feel like I deserved to have fun. It’s like I’m punishing myself for fucking LIVING. How fucked is that? It’s fucked……I’ll answer the rhetorical question.

So, the other day…..I believe it was this weekend, I picked a bit at a spot near my nose. Now, this “spot” was nothing at first. Yes, it was a super tiny blackhead, but nothing that needed to be picked and prodded at. I was feeling anxious about Donnie going back to daycare (he went back today) and so I picked. Basically, I can find an excuse to pick, if I really want to. And just like drinking. There never HAD to be a reason to drink, I just DID. Sure, I can find tons of excuses for doing literally anything…..or doing NOTHING. So, now I have this HUGE fucking spot by my nose where the skin ripped off. Now, the skin ripping off what not my intention…..that was just an unfortunate “bonus”. No, not really…..that fucking hurt. But again, I put all my attention on the physical pain of my face, instead of my emotional pain. But here’s the deal……that shit really doesn’t work because NOW I feel horrible about myself that I picked. I feel ugly and I’m mad at myself that I did it. Plus, I feel embarrassed about how I look and I get worried that people are going to think that I’m a meth head. Ironically, meth is one drug I never did. I was too vain to do meth. I didn’t want it to age me and I didn’t want vertical lines (from the pipe) above my lip. Yes, being that meth was so addictive mattered to me, too, but I mainly didn’t do it because of my vanity. Hey, whatever works! And the same went for crack…..crack is wack, but coke was just fine with me. At least coke didn’t give me mouth wrinkles……it just gave me a bloody nose. Ahhhhh, good times. Sexy times.

So, yes, after I SI, I feel emotionally horrible, as well. Now I’m physically hurting along with mental pain…..fucking awesome. I’m hoping writing like this helps gets these crazy thoughts out of my head, so the habit of picking goes the fuck away. It’s been awhile since I’ve consistently written/journalled, so here it goes! Better get to bed……waking up at 4:30am comes early and I don’t want to feel like a wet blanket tomorrow morning. Love ya’ll!