RELAPSE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A PART OF YOUR STORY

I was reading something on social media saying that, “Relapse is a part of recovery.” NO. NO, it’s not. Relapse most certainly does not have to be a part of your recovery. I know tons of people in recovery who have not relapsed (as of yet). I say “yet” because I cannot see around their corners…..only God can do that. Relapse is a part of MY story and that has been MY path. There is not a ONE SIZE FITS ALL for recovery. What works for you, might not work for me or your sister, but it might work for your best friend.

I used to be sooooo super judgemental of people who relapsed. I would see “them” come in and out…..in and out…..that door just be swingin’ and I would just be like, “Damn, that poor soul. Why can’t they get it? WTF is wrong with them? Don’t they know they’re going to die? Fucking loser. They’re never going to get it.” Harsh and snobbish, yes, I know. And guess what??? That “poor soul” that I mocked and looked down upon, I FUCKING BECAME. I BECAME that chronic relapser. I BECAME that girl people would whisper about. I fucking almost died from this disease, that’s for damn sure. I was super close to death. I’m tellin’ ya, if I hadn’t been pregnant on the night I found out my son’s father died, I know for a fucking FACT that I would have relapsed and died within days.

God knows what’s up. He does. Each one of us in recovery has our own path. You have to do what’s right for YOU. I used to judge people that smoked weed “in recovery” and say to myself, “They’re not sober, they’re smoking weed! Weed is a drug!” But guess what? Who the fuck cares what THEY do??? Seriously. Here’s my theory, if you’re smoking weed and not drinking or using hard drugs and you’re living a damn fine life and being a damn fine stellar human being, then fucking FINE! Perfect! Whatever works for you, then do it! Now, I would not date someone that loved to smoke weed– that’s my preference. For me, I need to be grounded and smoking weed is like having my head detached, floating in space. Shit, man, no thanks. The highest I’ll get is from the Nitrous at the dentist’s office. The last time I was at the dentist and got gassed up, I tripped out a bit and thought I was sitting in a huge litter box in the desert. It was wild. The dental hygienist saw my eyes bug out and she turned the gas down. She was like, “You ok there?” And I was like…….”Uhhhh, yeah. hahahaha.” Ohhhh, good times. Actually, it was pretty fun, but I absolutely dispise the dentist. I literally sweat the dental chair when I’m there…..hence, why I opt for the gas. I need to go to the dentist soon. It’s been like 4 years since I’ve been. Last time I went was before I got pregnant. Still have my teeth, but I’d like to make SURE I’ll still have them for another 50 years.

Anyways, I digress. That’s my life…..just one long, dark rabbit hole tunnel after another…..coming up for air, just long enough to catch my breath. And I’m perfectly OK with my rabbit hole life.