Anxiety in sobriety is a bitch— it just is. And HOW do I deal with my anxiety in sobriety WITHOUT drinking?— here are a few things I do. I write. Blogging, texting, pen and paper— whatever you have available is fine— just GET IT OUT. Get out those fucked up thoughts in your end and put them “on paper”. My anxiety level ebbs and flows— sometimes I feel pretty….gasp, “NORMAL” and then other times I’m lucky I made it through the day without stabbing anyone with a fork. Another thing I do is call another alcoholic and see how they’re doing— that helps me get out of myself. Sometimes my world gets awfully small— especially nowadays because of the pandemic.

Lucky me, I also deal with skin picking/self harm and when I’m in high-anxiety, like right now, I tend to resort to “old ways”. I’m fucking pissed at myself that I picked at this teeny tiny zit on my chin area. Now, this zit is fucking monstrous and it fucking hurts. I’m having a pitty party right now. Ugh…..just feel ugly and annoyed at the world. I won’t stay in this fuck for long though because I’m a mom and I have my little boy to take care of, but STILL…..I’m fucking annoyed that I did this to myself. I swear, I wish my face would stop breaking out— I’m 43-years old!—- this shit shouldn’t be happening anymore. Ugh…..annoyed. Family is stressing me out. Somebody owes me a shit ton of money—- THAT is stressing me out. Just annoyed in general. My family doesn’t like the fact that I’m open and honest (some of my family)—- they’d rather I’d just keep my mouth shut—- fucking irritating. Look, family dynamics CHANGE when someone gets sober and not everyone in the family is ready for that because MAINLY, THEY are not ready to change. Just irritated. I’m trying not to obsess over it. Still, it’s my family, so I DO think about it and it would be nice to have their approval, but if I’m living for THEIR approval, then I’m not LIVING and I’m not living MY LIFE. Such an inner battle within me. Plus, last night I had a drunk dream— seems like the stress of life is getting to me. I don’t want to drink, I’d just like the stress to fucking go away.

But you know what? Here’s the crazy part: I GET to have all these “problems”. I’m lucky I DO have stress because some alcoholics/addicts didn’t wake up this morning— they’re fucking DEAD. So, I push through the bullshit….I push through MY bullshit and I do it SOBER AS FUCK. And yes, I feel ALL THE FEELS— that’s just part of life. At least I have a fucking life today— by the grace of God I do.