I CANNOT STOP WORKING!!!
I feel manic AND completely exhausted right now!!! I feel HORRIBLE!!! I CANNOT STOP WORKING!!!! I can barely type because I’m so fucking tired. I stayed up til about 3:30am last night (this morning) working on this website. And then I worked another 3 hours this morning before I got Donnie from his room. And NOW I’m STILL FUCKING WORKING!!! OMG…..what is wrong with me???? Don’t answer that! lol …..
Seriously, I know myself and here’s what I’m doing:
I’m being obsessive about getting everything done all at once because I’ve been procrastinating for like a year on getting this site up. I knew it was going to be a lot of work and shit, I’m just so fucking tired (mentally and physically), that I rarely feel like working on this site. Ugh…..but here’s the deal, nobody is going to do this work for me. So, I better get on it. Plus, I really love writing– it’s an excellent release for bottled-up emotions.
HOWEVER…..even though I have my go-getter attitude, I’m not taking care of myself physically. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night– that is NOT enough sleep…..especially taking care of my soon-to-be 3-year old son, Donnie. Donnie is GO GO GO ENERGY……he’s non-stop and I gotta keep up with him. I WANT to keep up with him. I’m the mommy that gets on the floor with my child and hops around like a frog with him, saying, “RIBBIT! RIBBIT!” I love being actively involved with my son and I love playing with him, but when I’m super exhausted, I’m a wet blanket and crabby.
I have this thing where I DO NOT STOP until I get the problem solved. I take persistence to another fucking level, ya’ll. I was troubleshooting stuff on this website and I was about to lose my fucking mind because I wasn’t getting it. And then you add lack of sleep to this cake and everything starts……S-L-O-W-I-N-G D-O-W-N……meaning my brain was fucking fried. And that was pissing me off even more! Ugh…..vicious cycle.
The other day, I just snapped and yelled at Donnie. I told him I was going upstairs to get my phone and he started whining for me not to go and I just screamed, “I’M GOING TO GET MY PHONE!” And then I came back downstairs and screamed, “STOPPPPP!!!! THE WHINING IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY!” I’m lightly paraphrasing, but you get the idea. I was a TOTAL DICK. I felt HORRIBLE about yelling at him. I was just leaning on the kitchen counter, with my head down and trying to decompress. I felt like crying and raging at the same time, but I just stood there in silence. Donnie was being so cute and calling out our pet names for each other, “DA! DA! DA!” And then I repeat it back to him. Ugh…..I didn’t FEEL LIKE PLAYING…….I didn’t feel like feeling better! But I did respond back to him, “DA! DA! DA!” My sweet little buddy. I went over and apologized to him for yelling and asking him if I could hug him and give him a kiss. Donnie said, “YEAH!!!” My sweet little buddy.
It’s actually been 6 months since I’ve yelled at Donnie. Ugh……Well, shit, I think that’s pretty fucking good considering all the crazy stress I’ve (all of us) have been under with this dang COVID ordeal.
OK…..I REALLY better get in the shower now and wash my hair. I took a shower this morning, but didn’t wash my hair. I just feel gross when I don’t wash my hair.
Actually my Squarespace was being kinda wonky a little bit ago…..it wasn’t formatting correctly (I couldn’t see the text I was typing). I think that was God saying, “OK, Michelle, FUCK, STOPPPPP!!! Get in the fucking shower!!! Just turn off your brain for a minute!!! It’ll be OK! I promise!”
It really is hard to turn off my brain. I’m always thinking of new ideas. OK, I’m stopping.