PARENTING IS DAMN HARD

Parenting is damn hard— and I’m damn good at it. I really wasn’t sure if i had a maternal instinct— this feeling goes back to when I was a child, my sister always loved babies— she was obsessed with them….not in a “bad” way. She just had this overwhelming urge to take care of babies and kids. She absolutely loved babysitting. I, did not. I only babysat for the money. I really wasn’t sure if I’d ever have kids. I knew that having kids was something expected, but the thought of having kids scared the bejesus out of me. Being responsible for another human life— whoa….heavy shit.

And then, I became a mom. I think my maternal I instincts are damn awesome. I really do feel like a natural— who knew??! It’s so interesting to me all of life’s beautiful and crazy twists and turns. Everything I’ve done has led me up to this very exact point. If I would have changed 1 thing, I might not have my son. My path has not been easy. I have anxiety right now, yet I also feel calm. I really try to not worry excessively— that really helps my mood.

To change the subject— I really cannot get away from movies that remind me of my son’s dad. I watch a fucking comedy tonight— a comedy!!— I rarely watch comedy movies. I’m more of a dark movie type girl. I watched “What Men Want”— and guess what some of the highlights??— boxing (Donnie’s dad was a former pro boxer) and there was a single dad with a 6-year old little boy— his wife had died. Seriously??— like wtf?? Coincidence?? I don’t think so. But the theme of the movies was that she had to let her guard down to let love in. I do have my guard up hardcore. I don’t want to get hurt. But I also don’t want to go through the rest of my life with my fists up— always ready to throw that first punch. I can chose what I want to focus on— dwelling in the past or being in the present and participating in life. I think it’s fine to reflect on the past, but don’t grow roots there.