HERE’S WHAT MY MATCH PROFILE SAYS

“I’m looking for a relationship...HOWEVER, based on my experience here, in Match Hell, I feel like I’m 2 seconds away from either becoming a cat lady or a full-on lesbian. And if you’re thinking, “Hell yeah! Girl on girl action! That’s HOT!”......please, spare me. Believe me, sir, I’ve been there, done that and have the effing tshirt. 

I’m not looking for a PenPal, but I’m definitely not looking to rush into things. If you’re expecting me to meet you within 24-hours of texting, I’m not your girl. 

Here’s my take on it— If you don’t have the patience to text and talk on the phone prior to meeting, then you definitely do not possess the patience for a quality relationship and you lack the mental & physical endurance that I’m looking for. 

I’m looking for my equal— someone that encourages me to be my best self. I’m looking for a partnership— someone that I can call my best friend and lover. I want to have fun with my partner— to laugh and to enjoy life. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect you to be, but I do expect you to strive to be your BEST SELF and show the f*ck up for life— because that’s what I do. 

Let’s not waste each other’s time, mmmmkay? It’s a #hardpass if:

1. You look like something the cat wouldn’t have even dragged in.

2. You are shorter than me— I’m 5’8”. Tall > short.

3. You are looking for a FWB.

4. You do not like kids. My son is my world and if you have a problem with kids, then I have a problem with you. 

5. You can’t handle my sarcasm.

6. Your EQ is equivalent to that of a soggy cat turd. 

7. You drink 🥃 more than you sleep; smoke weed; smoke 🚬 or you think the occasional LSD trip is perfectly normal for a Sunday afternoon.

8. You eat 🍕🍟🍔🍪🍩 every day of the week. I take care of myself physically and mentally — I want a partner that does the same.

9. If you text me, “Your welcome.” Then it will most definitely NOT work out. If you’re my person, you’ll know why. 

10. You can’t handle a strong, independent woman.

I’m anything, but average. I’m complex, but not complicated— I DO THE WORK. I get sh*t done. I make things happen. I’m a bada$$. Smart, sexy, sweet and spicy— that’s me in a nutshell.

I love music— techno is my favorite. I love anything I can dance to, but NOT country. I grew up in the South, yes, but that country music just irritates my soul.

I love movies— John Wick 3 is my current favorite. Guns, explosives, hot guys, good fight scenes and fast cars— if a movie has those qualities, grab me some 🍿.

I love sarcasm and dark humor.

I’m a professional and a mom. My son is my heart and joy— I love him more than anything. I also have 2 fur kids— meow, ruff.

If you’re looking for “traditional dating”, you won’t find it here. If you’re looking for a relationship infused with elation, excitement, love and laughter, then you’ve come to the right place.

Ultimately, I just want someone who knows which songs not to talk over.”

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And THIS is probably why I’m still single. Meh, I’m OK with that. I’m thinking I come off a bit aggressive and slightly bitchy, but quite fucking hilarious, soooooo, I’m keeping it. I’ve rewritten this fucker probably 50 times. I was going to put something less snarky— I wrote a new profile tonight and then whilst I was writing, I got 2 messages from 2 different dudes saying how hilarious my profile is. Too bad they were hideous (big surprise), but nonetheless, they fed my ego enough to convince me to keep my snarky profile. I did, however, add paragraph #4 tonight. My intent for this addition was to sound less bitchy, overall. But seriously, I don’t have too much faith in Match connecting me with my dream man, hence, the motivation for my jaded profile. Honestly, I’ve got other, more important fish to fry at this juncture. I’ll wait another 5 years if I have to— I’ve apparently gained this crazy trait called……PATIENCE.