I ALWAYS LET DONNIE KNOW THAT I’M HIS “SAFE PLACE”

Tonight, my son wanted to tell his gram that he misses his dad. Donnie’s gram (my mom) has been staying with us for the past week. She flew in last Thursday from Minneapolis for Donnie’s 4th birthday (November 9, 2021)— she’s flying back to MN on 11/11. And then Donnie wanted me to come with him to gram’s bedroom, so he could tell her (with me by his side for extra encouragement/support). ❤️❤️❤️ Donnie stopped at gram’s bedroom doorway and said to her, “Gram, I miss my dad.”

Gram responded with, “Oh, I’m sorry, can I give you a hug? Can I hug you?”

Donnie kept shaking his head NO.

He did not want to hug her.

He just wanted to tell her how he felt.

TODAY I WAS THE MOST HORRIBLE PERSON

And I thought 2 weeks ago was bad. Ohhhhhh, fuck no. TODAY took the cake—- the big, horrible FUCK YOU CAKE. I was the most horrible person today to my son and I feel like complete SHIT. COMPLETE SHIT. You know when you’re being a dick and you say one shitty, snide comment and then you just don’t want to stop because you’re so mad???? Well, that’s kinda how it went down today. I mean DOOOOOWN. I turned off my phone all day because I felt so guilty about how I acted.

NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS

I’m writing because it’s the only thing I have energy for— and I barely have enough energy to write. Nobody told me it was going to be like this. I’m not complaining— I’m just telling you where I’m at. I’ve been breastfeeding my son for 3 years and 7 months and nobody prepared me for how my body would respond when I stopped breastfeeding— how could they? I didn’t even know the questions to ask…….

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR TODDLER ABOUT GOD AND METAPHYSICS

I don’t do traditional— that’s not my style. I do REAL LIFE. I teach my son that

GOD IS REAL

ENERGY NEVER DIES

LOVE NEVER DIES

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

LIFE IS MULTIDIMENSIONAL

IT’S OK TO HAVE FEELINGS— and that I’ll always be his safe place.

DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES

“I don’t know how you do it.” — I can’t tell you how many times people have said this to me. You know how I do it?— I think of my son and what he needs to have a beautiful, great life. Everything I do, I do it for Donnie. Donnie inspires me to be my best self— how cool is that? 🖤 Had to take a break there— Kahlua just peed on the carpet!! Wtf?? When I let her out to

HERE’S WHAT MY MATCH PROFILE SAYS

“I’m looking for a relationship.....HOWEVER, based on my experience here, in Match Hell, I feel like I’m 2 seconds away from either becoming a cat lady or a full-on lesbian. And if you’re thinking, “Hell yeah! Girl on girl action! That’s HOT!”......please, spare me. Believe me, sir, I’ve been there, done that and have the effing tshirt.

I’m not looking for a PenPal, but I’m definitely not looking to rush into things. If you’re expecting me to

IT DOESN’T MATTER

GRATITUDEMichelle WilliamsOctober 24, 2020love, patience, good parent, live life, sober, sober adventures, how to stay sober, sobriety, parenting in sobriety, parent, grateful, spiritual growth, blessed, emotional sobriety, mental health

I TRIED REALLY HARD NOT TO CRY

Gary V says that every bit of your content should add value. I agree, but….here’s the but…..sometimes my content is just random thoughts….like right now— I mean, it’s a blog.i watched a movie tonight called “Puncture”. I was a bit concerned because it said “Lawyer battles his own inner demons”…..that attorney was a drug addict. That attorney died at the end…..I knew he would. He was shooting up heroin; doing coke; pills; drinking…..it was hard to watch him, but it was a good movie— good acting and well directed. Seeing him lie there, dead….dead on his bed…..did not feel good. That’s where my son’s dad was found dead— dead in his bed. He lying there dead for almost 2 days before

GOOD CONVERSATIONS WITH GOOD PEOPLE

If I talk to you over the phone, know that you are special to me and I value you. I let VERY FEW people in my world because this is boy safe place— my home, my mind and my son are scared. I had a great conversation with one of my friends tonight— she’s bomb. I love talking depth and soul— and add some dark humor in there to keep us from not stabbing people with a fork (ok, maybe that’s just me).

We spoke about whether this world we live in is a matrix. At first, I was like

WHEN PAIN DISTORTS YOUR REALITY

This is a 2 part pain blog. Tonight, I started my period tonight and I feel like fuck right now. I hurt (cramps); I feel absolutely exhausted— I feel like a bloated, soggy tater-tot, dipped in ketchup. My PMSing starts about 2 weeks before my period, so my emotions tend to be super intense during that time.

It was pretty recently that I discovered how much my PMS affects my mindset. I’m not moody like a teenager….it’s more of an overall “mood” of anxiety and depression that I tend to get when I’m PMSing (and whilst on my period). I really thought I was going crazy and that my depression and anxiety were getting WORSE. And then I started to realize the patterns of my

TALKING TO THE DEAD: PART 3--- CONTACT!!!

I tried communicating with my son’s dad earlier last night, but no dice. So, I watched some tv, which I rarely do…..to try and “relax”. I had been up for awhile, so I decided to go to bed since it was almost 2am. I was sleeping on the couch downstairs to be with Kahlua (she’s still not 100% feeling better). I had my cat next to me and was snuggling with her, petting her. Then, my cat’s eyes started getting HUGE and her eyes were following something around the room. “Something” was hovering…….

TALKING TO THE DEAD: PART 2

I think I’m so Hell bent on communicating with my son’s dad because I want some answers; I want him to apologize for all the shit I found out after his death; I want him to say how sorry he is for hurting me; I want him to see how beautiful our son is and I want some fucking closure. This PTSD shit is bullshit. No, I have not gotten therapy to directly deal with this— I’m scared to— I don’t want them to make it worse. Meaning, they open up the hole and I’m not able to shut it/heal it. I’ve been doing therapy since I was 16-years old— I honestly don’t know what other different kind of methods they’d try— I feel like I’ve tried them all. Yes, I recognize my close-mindedness and resistance right now— it’s an excuse for me to not seek treatment.

I attempted to contact my son’s dad again tonight — I even put on his favorite

TALKING TO THE DEAD: PART 1

I was talking to Donnie’s dad tonight and wrote down messages he was telling me. And then another spirit interrupted our conversation and said a couple weird things!! It was so weird!! I knew it wasn’t Donnie’s dad because he would have never said what I wrote down. Still, very strange.

I have saved all Donnie’s dad’s voicemails and voice memos; however, not too long after he died— it was either a week or 2, I got a phone call at 1:11am. “They” left a message. The message was

STRESSING TODAY AND WHAT I'M DOING ABOUT IT

I’m really trying to make a conscious effort to NOT feed my anxiety, stress and fear, but it be HARD, yo! Ugh……I totally felt like curling up in a little ball today on my bed and sleeping for 4 hours, but that’s just a fantasy. Instead, I worked on web/creative projects all day, but my mind felt like it was 18 million miles away. I felt so distracted, anxious and I couldn’t focus. I swear, I felt like I was

PROTECT YOUR SPACE

It doesn’t matter who the fuck they are— PROTECT YOUR SPACE. PERIODT. Because ain’t nobody gonna do that shit for you. You are responsible for your fine ass. I will not tolerate victim mentality from anyone. I will not allow myself to be manipulated anymore. The guilt trip thing doesn’t work anymore— yeah, it sometimes rattled my cage, but I don’t let it consume me.

IT’S MEME TIME

I decided to write my own memes. It’s fun and scary— I love to write, but I’m also scared that some of my memes will “flop”. And guess what?? That’s a part of the process— for EVERYTHING in life. You try; you do well; you don’t do so well; you fall down; you get back up; you succeed! Everything is a process and we must go through it to get to that SWEET SPOT. So, sure, some memes will flop, but some (hopefully most!!) will do great! And I’ve got a lot of positive responses from them so far! I just started posting my original memes today!

That bullshit thought in my head is

ENERGY IS CONTAGIOUS

I’ve been in a good mood today….and guess who else is???— yep, Donnie is happy, too! I’m tellin’ ya— I took care of myself today emotionally and physically— and it FUCKING SHOWS!! Today was the first day in 3 weeks that I didn’t feel sick (well, my sinuses are always fucked, but I didn’t feel sick sick….like having a cold sick) and I didn’t have to run a million errands or clean like a maniac — and the big thing is that Kahlua is feeling better!!! I’m sooooo relieved!! She’s still having a little diarrhea, but if I’d stop feeding her little pieces of chicken, maybe she’d stop 💩💩💩. Logically, I’m aware that dogs can go several days without food, but emotionally, I can’t stand to NOT FEED HER ANYTHING FOR 3 FUCKING DAYS! Ugh…..I don’t want her to get too weak! I’m going to continue sleeping on the couch downstairs to be with her until she feels 💯% better. I’ve still got her gated off in the kitchen because I’m OVER cleaning up 💩 on the rugs. So, super great news about Kahlua! I’m EXTREMELY happy!!

Here’s the update on the water and dipe sitcho with Donnie at daycare:

I JUST CAN’T TODAY

Do y’all ever have those days where everything just seems to take 18 times as long as “normal”?? Fuck…..it’s been one of those days. Donnie took a late nap, then, of course, he got up late. And guess what that means??— yep, he got to bed late…..like laaaaaaate. I think it was close to 10pm when he went to sleep. Ugh….toddlers need a ton of sleep— I’m well aware of this, but sometimes your nights just don’t go as planned. And you know what??— that’s fucking OK. Of course, it’s OK NOW— now that

WHAT MADE ME DECIDE TO GET SOBER?

I was just asked this question by a Sobermomlife follower a couple days ago, so I wanted to share my answer with you. I decided to get sober because my soul felt like it was dying. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was dying. Physically, my body was literally beat up.....after a fucked up night of drinking, I’d usually wake up with

LEARNING TO REST WHEN SICK

Dude, I’m sick. I’m not like sick sick, barfing, diarrhea sick— I have a sore throat, congestion, headache, super tired (not new!! Lol) and a bit achey. Donnie caught