I TRIED REALLY HARD NOT TO CRY

Gary V says that every bit of your content should add value. I agree, but….here’s the but…..sometimes my content is just random thoughts….like right now— I mean, it’s a blog.i watched a movie tonight called “Puncture”. I was a bit concerned because it said “Lawyer battles his own inner demons”…..that attorney was a drug addict. That attorney died at the end…..I knew he would. He was shooting up heroin; doing coke; pills; drinking…..it was hard to watch him, but it was a good movie— good acting and well directed. Seeing him lie there, dead….dead on his bed…..did not feel good. That’s where my son’s dad was found dead— dead in his bed. He lying there dead for almost 2 days before his cousin found him. It’s hard for me to write this— STILL. I can never get that image out of my head when I touched the body bag— to feel his hands underneath…to feel his watch on his wrist. WTF. I know he had to go— I know God needed him, but FUCK, it doesn’t make it any easier. I know a big part of him wanted to die and he’d be OK if he didn’t wake up— but he had no idea that he was going to be a dad. I found out at 11:11pm and my son’s dad died at 9:50pm. If he just stayed on this earth for another hour and 21 minutes, things might be different— MIGHT. Things would be different for a minute and then he would go back to using. He was not drinking (as far as I knew)…..yet, but that would come. The fact is, if my son’s dad lived, then MY SON would not have. Being that I was only 6 weeks pregnant at the time of my son’s father’s death, my pregnancy was very fragile— my body would not be able to take the stress of my son’s father’s addiction— PERIODT. And God knew that. And that’s why my son’s dad had to go. My son’s dad gave me the absolute BEST part of himself— he gave me my son. He did his job here on Earth and now it was time for him to go home. I KNEW I was going to have a child with him— PERIODT. I’ve never wanted a child with any other man— except my son’s dad. He was the first man that I actually wanted to have a child with. I can’t even tell you how many red flags there were in our relationship— so fucking many— it was absolute mayhem at times. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with an active alcoholic, then you know. But here’s the catch with us— we were BOTH active at various points in our relationship. It makes my head spin just thinking about all the crazy shit.

Here’s one thing that my dad said that really meant a lot to me, “From what you saw, your relationship was great.” From what I SAW— from what I CHOSE to see. I knew. I knew a big part of what was going on— I knew the darkness, but I accepted it. I had 2 choices— accept how things were and stay or not and leave. I stayed because I loved my son’s dad. I also stayed because I thought that this was the kind of love I deserved. I stayed because I didn’t think anyone else would love me. I didn’t have the best self esteem or self worth. As I write this, I feel sad that I felt that way, but I also feel so grateful that I did stay because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have my son. Sometimes we have to suffer through some shit to get to the beautiful, peaceful, glorious side.

I was really trying hard not to cry— but that fucking dude dying at the end did it— seeing him covered up did it. Addiction is a fucking whore— it’ll fuck you to death. Yay!! Such a happy ending!