IT’S ABOUT MAKING MY SOBRIETY A TOP PRIORITY. IT’S ABOUT TAKING FUCKING ACTION. So, tonight I went to an online zoom AA meeting— I had to— I needed to— I was sooo fucking irritated today. I did not want to continue being an asshole to my son. I’m just burnt the fuck out. I’m going to bed waaaaay too late, then I’m utterly exhausted when I wake up early the next morning. Yes, I KNOW I need to go to bed earlier…..BUT I want some downtime for myself. I want time to dick around on my
Read MoreOn Friday, I was at my son’s daycare, waiting to pick him up. Whilst practicing my 6 ft social distancing, I stood back behind the check-in front gate and that’s when I overheard THIS CONVERSATION between a son and his mom. Her son sadly said, “It was Halloween costume day!” And his mom quickly replied, “I didn’t know.”
Wow. That hurt! She just completely dismissed him. Didn’t know?? Jesus, there were signs plastered EVERYWHERE!! Slacker mom. Poor kid. Yeah, she had
Read More“I don’t know how you do it.” — I can’t tell you how many times people have said this to me. You know how I do it?— I think of my son and what he needs to have a beautiful, great life. Everything I do, I do it for Donnie. Donnie inspires me to be my best self— how cool is that? 🖤 Had to take a break there— Kahlua just peed on the carpet!! Wtf?? When I let her out to
Read MoreI just finished watching a documentary about The Law of Attraction. And I thought I knew what it was, but I learned some interesting stuff tonight. The Universe mirrors our beliefs about ourselves. So, if I feel unworthy or that I don’t deserve a good paying career; love; peace or happiness— then guess what??— that’s EXACTLY what I’ll get. It was pretty recently when I’ve truly stepped into my own power and TRULY believed that I’m worthy of ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE. I’m worthy of making good money; I’m worthy of love; I’m worthy of being loved— I’m a damn awesome mom to my son; I’m fucking creative as shit and I’m fucking hilarious. Seriously, I’ve really just said a big
Read MoreDude, I’m working like a maniac— have to get a lot of shit done— it’s crunch-time. And this 101 construction noise is making me absolutely fucking crazy(er)!!!! I have Misophonia. Misophonia which is a disorder in which certain sounds trigger emotional or physiological responses that…….
Read More“I’m looking for a relationship.....HOWEVER, based on my experience here, in Match Hell, I feel like I’m 2 seconds away from either becoming a cat lady or a full-on lesbian. And if you’re thinking, “Hell yeah! Girl on girl action! That’s HOT!”......please, spare me. Believe me, sir, I’ve been there, done that and have the effing tshirt.
I’m not looking for a PenPal, but I’m definitely not looking to rush into things. If you’re expecting me to
Read MoreGary V says that every bit of your content should add value. I agree, but….here’s the but…..sometimes my content is just random thoughts….like right now— I mean, it’s a blog.i watched a movie tonight called “Puncture”. I was a bit concerned because it said “Lawyer battles his own inner demons”…..that attorney was a drug addict. That attorney died at the end…..I knew he would. He was shooting up heroin; doing coke; pills; drinking…..it was hard to watch him, but it was a good movie— good acting and well directed. Seeing him lie there, dead….dead on his bed…..did not feel good. That’s where my son’s dad was found dead— dead in his bed. He lying there dead for almost 2 days before
Read MoreIf I talk to you over the phone, know that you are special to me and I value you. I let VERY FEW people in my world because this is boy safe place— my home, my mind and my son are scared. I had a great conversation with one of my friends tonight— she’s bomb. I love talking depth and soul— and add some dark humor in there to keep us from not stabbing people with a fork (ok, maybe that’s just me).
We spoke about whether this world we live in is a matrix. At first, I was like
Read MoreI’ve had a range of emotions today. My day was really going great and then earlier this evening Kahlua straight-up peed on the rug downstairs. WTF?? She hasn’t peed on the carpet like that since she was 6 months old!— when I first got her!! I let her out like a million times, so I don’t know what happened. Maybe she just really
Read MoreGood things come to those that have an insane work ethic and are persistent as fuck.
I got some EXCELLENT news today on something that I’ve been working on for over 3.5 years. Details to come. 🙏🙏🙏🙏
Read MoreI really thought it was going to go into more detail about the abuse she endured at that Provo nightmare of a school. I avoided watching it because I didn’t want it to trigger my PTSD. I did cry a bit though, but I’m glad it didn’t get too graphic explaining the abuse. When I hear others tell their story of abuse….especially if it’s a movie, I feel like I’m experiencing it right there with them. I also tend to absorb other people’s (people that I love or, am very close to) abuse and turn it into my own. For example, my
Read MoreThis is a 2 part pain blog. Tonight, I started my period tonight and I feel like fuck right now. I hurt (cramps); I feel absolutely exhausted— I feel like a bloated, soggy tater-tot, dipped in ketchup. My PMSing starts about 2 weeks before my period, so my emotions tend to be super intense during that time.
It was pretty recently that I discovered how much my PMS affects my mindset. I’m not moody like a teenager….it’s more of an overall “mood” of anxiety and depression that I tend to get when I’m PMSing (and whilst on my period). I really thought I was going crazy and that my depression and anxiety were getting WORSE. And then I started to realize the patterns of my
Read MoreI tried communicating with my son’s dad earlier last night, but no dice. So, I watched some tv, which I rarely do…..to try and “relax”. I had been up for awhile, so I decided to go to bed since it was almost 2am. I was sleeping on the couch downstairs to be with Kahlua (she’s still not 100% feeling better). I had my cat next to me and was snuggling with her, petting her. Then, my cat’s eyes started getting HUGE and her eyes were following something around the room. “Something” was hovering…….
Read MoreI think I’m so Hell bent on communicating with my son’s dad because I want some answers; I want him to apologize for all the shit I found out after his death; I want him to say how sorry he is for hurting me; I want him to see how beautiful our son is and I want some fucking closure. This PTSD shit is bullshit. No, I have not gotten therapy to directly deal with this— I’m scared to— I don’t want them to make it worse. Meaning, they open up the hole and I’m not able to shut it/heal it. I’ve been doing therapy since I was 16-years old— I honestly don’t know what other different kind of methods they’d try— I feel like I’ve tried them all. Yes, I recognize my close-mindedness and resistance right now— it’s an excuse for me to not seek treatment.
I attempted to contact my son’s dad again tonight — I even put on his favorite
Read MoreI was talking to Donnie’s dad tonight and wrote down messages he was telling me. And then another spirit interrupted our conversation and said a couple weird things!! It was so weird!! I knew it wasn’t Donnie’s dad because he would have never said what I wrote down. Still, very strange.
I have saved all Donnie’s dad’s voicemails and voice memos; however, not too long after he died— it was either a week or 2, I got a phone call at 1:11am. “They” left a message. The message was
Read MoreI was bathing Donnie tonight and during his bath, he quickly stood up and told me he wanted to get out— LIKE NOW. The sense of urgency was almost a panic and Donnie’s eyes just about bugged out of his head!
And then, it happened. A lil turd 💩 slipped out of Donnie’s butt and plopped into the tub!! Dude! I was surprised, but not too surprised because I didn’t think he had a loop at daycare, so it was just a matter of time. And apparently, NOW was the time. I’d like to say that I calmly lifted him
Read MoreI’m really trying to make a conscious effort to NOT feed my anxiety, stress and fear, but it be HARD, yo! Ugh……I totally felt like curling up in a little ball today on my bed and sleeping for 4 hours, but that’s just a fantasy. Instead, I worked on web/creative projects all day, but my mind felt like it was 18 million miles away. I felt so distracted, anxious and I couldn’t focus. I swear, I felt like I was
Read MoreWe had SUCH an awesome Monday! Donnie and I went out for a BIG ADVENTURE to Old Navy!! Whooo hooo! We haven’t been to a clothing store in 8 months!! Donnie has an absolute BLAST! I’m telling, ya, THIS is what life is ALL ABOUT!! — Spending quality time with my son whilst he’s having a blast dancing to the blues music at Old Navy! I love this little guy so much, y’all. My heart is filled with so much joy and love. I’m so blessed and so grateful God gave me such a perfect child. Thank you, God. Thank you.
Here are a couple videos from our outing today! Enjoy!
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It doesn’t matter who the fuck they are— PROTECT YOUR SPACE. PERIODT. Because ain’t nobody gonna do that shit for you. You are responsible for your fine ass. I will not tolerate victim mentality from anyone. I will not allow myself to be manipulated anymore. The guilt trip thing doesn’t work anymore— yeah, it sometimes rattled my cage, but I don’t let it consume me.
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