If I talk to you over the phone, know that you are special to me and I value you. I let VERY FEW people in my world because this is boy safe place— my home, my mind and my son are scared. I had a great conversation with one of my friends tonight— she’s bomb. I love talking depth and soul— and add some dark humor in there to keep us from not stabbing people with a fork (ok, maybe that’s just me).
We spoke about whether this world we live in is a matrix. At first, I was like
Read MoreI think I’m so Hell bent on communicating with my son’s dad because I want some answers; I want him to apologize for all the shit I found out after his death; I want him to say how sorry he is for hurting me; I want him to see how beautiful our son is and I want some fucking closure. This PTSD shit is bullshit. No, I have not gotten therapy to directly deal with this— I’m scared to— I don’t want them to make it worse. Meaning, they open up the hole and I’m not able to shut it/heal it. I’ve been doing therapy since I was 16-years old— I honestly don’t know what other different kind of methods they’d try— I feel like I’ve tried them all. Yes, I recognize my close-mindedness and resistance right now— it’s an excuse for me to not seek treatment.
I attempted to contact my son’s dad again tonight — I even put on his favorite
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