WHEN PAIN DISTORTS YOUR REALITY

This is a 2 part pain blog. Tonight, I started my period tonight and I feel like fuck right now. I hurt (cramps); I feel absolutely exhausted— I feel like a bloated, soggy tater-tot, dipped in ketchup. My PMSing starts about 1 week before my period, so my emotions tend to be super intense during that time.

It was pretty recently that I discovered how much my PMS affects my mindset. I’m not moody like a teenager….it’s more of an overall “mood” of anxiety and depression that I tend to get when I’m PMSing (and whilst on my period). I really thought I was going crazy and that my depression and anxiety were getting WORSE. And then I started to realize the patterns of my mindset— how DIFFERENT my mindset was when I was not PMSing or my period was going on— I was so much more positive; happier and more energetic. I wasn’t going crazy during “my time of the month”, it was just my hormones. Once I realized this, it was such a relief. I decided to give myself a break during “this red tide” time. I knew that these feelings were SUPER temporary and I’d return back to “normal” very soon.

Self-Care is super important right now.,I’ve been resting my body more, but still staying up late!!— like now!!! But here’s Part 2 of this blog— it’s about Chronic physical pain. Chronic physical pain can really be a mood dampener and it can distort my reality. Everything can be going awesome, but if I’m in hardcore physical pain, my world tends to get small……and I don’t show up as the best MOM to my son……which I don’t like. Physical pain really sucks my energy like a vampire. In general, I just feel so extra tired…..like, more tired than usual. And I feel depressed. I’ve been pushing myself SO FUCKING HARD and these last few weeks, I’m just wiped the fuck out— physically and emotionally.

My face and sinuses hurt 24-7…..like, all the fucking time. I’m just over it. This constant sinus infection really brings me down sometimes— especially when my mood is already altered by PMSing goodness. I’m not trying to complain, well, yes, I am complaining, but my point IS that I’m not fucking drinking over feeling shitty. I’m not drinking over my physical pain. I’m not trying to numb out the physical pain. Not that I FEEL like drinking— I just want ya’ll to know that getting through chronic physical pain is possible without alcohol or drugs. And headaches…..constant headaches…..I have one now. It just gets me down sometimes…..frustrates the piss out of me. Dude, after 2 sinus surgeries, I was hoping all this would be gone. HOWEVER, my sinuses ARE a shit ton better. I can handle physical pain a lot better than emotional pain. Especially with physical pain, I can take some Advil and I’ll feel a little better…..the pain subsides. Not so with emotional pain— Advil doesn’t fix that shit. Antibiotics just don’t work— tried them all. Plus, if it’s viral, antibiotics don’t do shit.

My sinuses are so fucked because after my son’s dad died, I cried for 4 months solid— like all the time, everyday. Well, I kept it together at work with an occasional breakdown in the bathroom every couple days. But after I’d get in my car to go home, I’d break down sobbing……all the way home. It was fucking rough. I was sooooo happy about being pregnant with my little boy and I didn’t want to cause my unborn child stress from my crying, but I didn’t know how to deal with so many emotions— crying felt like the best release. And dude, all my hormones were going crazy from being preggers. So, yeah……crying for 4 months solid just irritated the fuck out of my sinuses.

I think I’ll just Sage my sinuses for the rest of my life. Seems like a good solution. And REMAIN IN A STATE OF GRATITUDE. And hey, I didn’t stab anyone with a fork today, so it’s been a damn fine day.