NOBODY TOLD ME IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS

I’m writing because it’s the only thing I have energy for— and I barely have enough energy to write. Nobody told me it was going to be like this. I’m not complaining— I’m just telling you where I’m at. I’ve been breastfeeding my son for 3 years and 7 months and nobody prepared me for how my body would respond when I stopped breastfeeding— how could they? I didn’t even know the questions to ask. Everybody’s body is different and how my body responds to things is different than yours. On June 14, Donnie said he didn’t want any milk at bedtime. I thought, “hmmm….ok. Well, I guess it’s “that time”. I guess he’s ready to ween himself off the boob.” I mean, he’s 3.5 years old……I think it’s time to stop, too, but I didn’t want to force him to stop. I’ve only been breastfeeding him at night before he goes to bed and we’re talking MINIMAL breastfeeding—- I’d say 10 minutes max. I had planned to stop when he turned 3, but Donnie wasn’t ready. I did mention to him one time at bedtime that he was going to have to stop nursing soon. Breastfeeding is taxing on the boobs—- especially when he latches on so tightly—- OUCH! Anyways…..the next day, Donnie wanted to nurse again, so we did. I’d say a few days of nursing went by and then all of sudden…..DONNIE IS SLEEPING IN MY BED!!! AND NO MORE NURSING. BREASTFEEDING WAS NO MORE. I let him sleep with me because he had been coming into my room late at night and then falling asleep on the floor next to my bed. How could I resist scooping my sweet son up from the floor????!!! He looked so cute….all balled-up on the floor—- he sleeps on the floor in his room, so sleeping on the floor is nothing new.

SLEEP MUCH???

And then I invited him up on the bed to sleep. And then the next night…….I said, “You want to sleep in here?” And of course, he said, “YEAHH!!!” And now I’m in trouble. At first, it was sweet…..him sleeping next to me, but now…..IT’S NOT SWEET. Donnie is rolling all over the place……his foot kicks my back…..I wake up every 2 hours…..I’m restless, Donnie is restless. IT FUCKING SUCKS. And who do I have to blame??? ME. ME. ME. I have no idea how to get him sleeping in his room again. I thought, maybe get some sort of star projector to make his room look like space……and he’d be excited to sleep in his room, but then I looked at star projectors on Amazon and pretty much all of them have to be plugged in—- another hazard. I would have to mount that thing on the wall (put it on a shelf) and then run the cord down a cord protector, so Donnie wouldn’t mess with the cord. Ugh…..just another thing I’d have to do…..and I don’t fucking feel like doing that. Plus, the one I like is like $70!!! That seems awfully expensive for a star projector, but……..CAN YOU REALLY PUT A PRICE ON GETTING YOUR CHILD TO SLEEP IN HIS ROOM AGAIN?????

THIS. IS. NOT. NORMAL.

FUCK. JUST FUCK. So, back to how my body has been reacting to stopping breastfeeding. My face started breaking out a bit…..I thought, OK, this is normal…..I’m on my period— breaking out is expected. But then, my face started EXPLODING WITH ZITS…….AND THEN MORE ZITS ON MY NECK!!! I NEVER break out on my neck!!! DUDE!!! What the FUCK is going on??? This did NOT feel normal!!! This was NOT just “period breakouts”—- this was something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AND HORRIBLE!!! I’ve struggled with acne since I was 15 years old—- that’s a long time. And I still have not broken the habit of “picking” AKA “self-harm”. So, when I get a zit, the urge to pick at it is irresistible!!! Self-harm is a whole other story, but the thing is, my hormones were out of whack since I stopped breastfeeding. After my face was literally covered in zits— and the left side of my face is completely swollen, I googled, “face breaking out after stopping breastfeeding”—- turns out, it’s “a thing.” I had NO IDEA that my face would be THIS BAD after stopping breastfeeding!!!! I thought quite the opposite would happen—- that I’d have so much energy and I’d feel great. NOPE. NOPE. AND NOPE.

DEPRESSION, HORMONES AND SAGING…..OH MY!

I feel fucking HORRIBLE. Like SUPER HORRIBLE. I’ve been SUPER depressed for over a week and I have not walked my pup for 5 days— and she’s going crazy. I’m going crazy. Donnie is going CRAZY. We’re all fucking going crazy. I’ve been insanely MAD AND IRRITATED AND SHORT-TEMPERED……..AND SOOOO FUCKING EMOTIONAL. I’ve been a nightmare to myself and to Donnie. I’ve tried saging myself, but I haven’t been doing it this week because I’ve felt so DEPRESSED. I don’t want to reach out to talk to anyone because I don’t have the energy for it. Now, I did call one of my friends the other day and spoke to her and I told her I’ve been feeling so fucking OFF— and she totally gets it. But that was before I found out that my current emotional state is attributed to my CRAZY FUCKING HORMONES!!! BUT—- my body (emotionally and physically) HAS been reacting significantly to the effects of the Schumann Resonances—- Influence of Geomagnetism and Schumann Resonances on Human Health and Behavior.

I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about “where I’m at” emotionally because it stresses her out when I’m stressed. She deals with enough emotional stuff of her own— I don’t want to burden her with “my stuff”, but then again, I’m upset that she doesn’t reach out to “check on me”. I know I’m not always the most approachable when I’m in an agitated state and that tends to push people away. I totally get that, but still, it would be nice to just have someone say, “You’re doing great. Everything is going to be OK. Things will work out with Donnie— he’ll sleep in his own bed soon enough. You’re not a failure.”

And I’m sad and confused about stopping breastfeeding—- I loved it and it was a burden (towards the end) at the same time. I felt bonded with Donnie when he was nursing. And I will NEVER have another opportunity to breastfeed again because I do not plan on having any more children. So, this was IT. This was my FIRST AND FINAL time to breastfeed and I didn’t want to let it go, but then (at the end) I was ready to let it go. I’m having MANY mixed feelings about the end of breastfeeding because it means things are CHANGING AND CHANGE CAN BE PAINFUL—- quite literally this time.

I FEEL LIKE I’M FAILING AS A MOM.

And that’s what I fucking feel like right now. A FAILURE. I feel like I’m failing as a mom. My depression is in full gear and I’m trying my damnedness to not let it consume me. Yes, I even called several therapists only to find out that they do not take my health insurance. I had “big plans” to conquer my PTSD, but now, I’m lacking the energy to call my health insurance to ask for therapist names.

I feel very alone in this right now. And yes, I’m aware I can “reach out” and call people, but I don’t feel like it. I feel too irritated and agitated. I feel like snapping off their heads—- even BEFORE I call them.

POTTY TRAINING NIGHTMARES.

I had to pick up Donnie SUPER EARLY yesterday from school because his teachers said “he wasn’t interacting with the kids and he seemed to be in a lot of pain.” So, here’s the deal. Donnie is very constipated AGAIN. FUCK ME. We’ve been dealing with this constipation since the beginning of March— shit, it could have been since February. All my days run together— I have no sense of time anymore—- LIKE, NO SENSE. We did a “clean out” on April 26—- Oh my fucking, God. That completely SUCKED. Donnie was literally COVERED IN POO—- just drenched in poo!!!! It was HORRIBLE. Poo soaked his bedroom carpet—- it was EVERYWHERE. I thought, “Awesome! We’re done with this! We don’t have to deal with severe constipation or impaction ever again! YAY!!” WRONG. I was so WRONG.

AND YOU HAVE TO COOK, TOO????!!!

And I don’t cook meals like I should. I HATE cooking. I do not enjoy it AT ALL. And I rarely say the word “HATE”. So, when I say it, I fucking MEAN it. The other thing I HATE is the Dentist. And fuckers that hurt children— I HATE them. Seriously. Those fuckers CAN DIE, DIE, DIE. Those are the only things I use the word “HATE” with. I’ve been feeding Donnie “snack foods”—- for example: cereal and milk, blueberries, apples and peanut butter, cheese crackers, veggie sqeezies, etc. So, you get the idea. The ONLY thing I have cooked for him has been my “special zesty chicken breast” in my InstantPot. And I haven’t done that enough. Donnie will eat the chicken for 1 or 2 days and then he’s OVER IT. I feel so fucking frustrated. I’m mad at myself because it’s MY FUCKING FAULT.

IT’S MY FUCKING FAULT.

ALL OF IT. IT’S MY FUCKING FAULT. I have no one else to blame, but ME. Donnie doesn’t eat meals because I don’t fix meals. Donnie isn’t potty trained because, well, I’m not exactly sure on that one. It could have a lot to do with the constipation issues—- pooping = pain, so fuck that, I’m not gonna go potty. Donnie was doing really GREAT with potty training and he was pooping and peeing on the potty— and he was even wearing “big boy” underwear! I bought him some spider-man undies, so he’d be excited about going to the potty. And he WAS excited for a short period of time…..until he wasn’t.

Potty training was going great…..until the constipation started up again. He would have a few “poop smears” in his undies and then, that was the end for him. NOPE. No more wearing his undies……he wanted to wear his pull-ups again. Now he wants NOTHING to do with the potty. He wants to pee and poop in his dipie. And he’s completely OK with it. HELP!!!!!! How the fuck do I get him interested in potty training again???

Ok, so back to yesterday when I picked up Donnie early from school. I picked him up at 11:45am and when he got home……he was NOT happy. I was OVER IT. I was praying to God that he’d take a nap on the couch. NOPE. NO FUCKING NAP. He was cranky. I was cranky. IT FUCKING SUCKED BALLS. I was soooo fucking over watching his cartoons—- Paw Patrol can go fuck off…..forever! Really, the only cartoon I can stomach is Scooby. And Donnie loves his Scooby, but not all the time. Anyways, so I’m getting no rest, I’m still super depressed, my dog is batshit crazy because I haven’t walked her in a week…….and now I’m having to deal with a cranky, constipated child who’s going to be up for another 9 hours!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!

But, I have to deal with it. Because what are my options??? Yeah, exactly. I don’t have any other options, but to deal with it the best I can. And so, here we are. Donnie is at daycare today— THANK GOD. AND THANK GOD HIS SCHOOL HAS NOT CALLED ME TO COME PICK HIM UP. OMG. I feel bad for writing all of this because I feel like I’m complaining about my life—- I’m not complaining……I really do love my life—- just life gets hard sometimes and I have to vent sometimes.

I’M GETTING THROUGH THIS SOBER.

I’m getting through “this” SOBER. And I probably DO need a meeting, but I’m over the ZOOM meetings and I don’t want to go to an in-person meeting yet because I don’t have my vaccine yet. And that’s another fucking story. I’ve been sick with a CHRONIC SINUS INFECTION FOR OVER 4 YEARS. Really, it’s probably been 20 years I’ve been dealing with chronic sinus infections, but prior to 4 years ago, I didn’t find that my sinus infections were making a major negative impact on my life—- UNTIL NOW. I’ve had 3 sinus surgeries since 2018 and I feel just as HORRIBLE as did in 2018. And that’s sooooo unfortunate and depressing. Feeling sick and dealing with life’s trials and tribulations is BEYOND CHALLENGING.

PTSD.

I really think my chronic sinus infections are just a manifestation of my PTSD—- of me not dealing with it. And I do want to deal with it— and I’m fucking terrified. I’m terrified that the therapist will open the wound and they won’t be able to shut it and then I’ll “FREAK OUT” and have a mental breakdown. So, there you have it—- I’m already freaking out of what I think “could happen”…….the “what if’s”. So, I don’t want to get my COVID vaccine until I’m feeling “somewhat healthy.” Because here’s the deal— my body reacts severely to the flu shot (which is perfectly normal)—- I get a fever and full body chills…..it sucks. And I don’t feel like getting sick from the vaccine. I was planning on getting the J&J vaccine until the recall issue came about……I typically fall in the .0000000001% and with my luck, I’d be the one to get a fatal blood clot. So, that’s a risk I’m not willing to take. So, what are my options? The 2-shot vaccine. GREAT. This is the vaccine where some of my friends have had SEVERE reactions. There’s nobody to take care of me when I get sick, so I’d have to deal with this on my own—- PLUS, take care of my son…..PLUS, take care of my 2 pets. It all just seems like too much right now. So, I’m not going to get the vaccine right now. I will get it, but I’m not sure when. It seems like I’m not going to be “feeling better” anytime soon.

what you say is how it will be.

And I do not like painting myself in a corner like that because I’m a total believer of what you say is HOW IT WILL BE. If I feel like I’m not going to get better, then I WON’T. Ugh…….it’s such a catch-22. I really want to believe I’ll get better and that I won’t have to deal with a chronic sinus infection for the rest of my life, but right now, it’s hard to see that perspective. Right now, I’m in pain physcially and emotionally.

I wish there was an easy answer to all of this. Sometimes the BEST I CAN DO IS JUST STAY SOBER TODAY. And that’s how I’m feeling. Fuck me. If my face will stop breaking out, that will be a fucking BLESSING! I feel soooo ugly right now. And that’s the main reason why I’m not walking Piper—- because I feel so fucking embarrassed about my face. I feel like people are going to think that I’m a METH HEAD. Because that’s how it looks— I have sores all over my face…..just like a TWEAKER. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. And my son has commented, “Did you fall down?”…….because I have “boo boo’s” on my face. But he hasn’t said that again this week……he’s just loving me the way I am which is very sweet and comforting, but he’s also being extremely obstinant.

RAGING BITCH MUCH???

I just don’t want to be a raging bitch to my son. I fucking pray to God that my hormones calm down and begin to “regulate” or whatever it is that they need to do. Nobody ever told me it was going to be like this. I’m just writing to tell you how it is for me — and how I’m dealing with it. Do I deal with it gracefully all the time??? Absolutely not. But I’m “hanging in there”. As much as I dislike that saying, it’s what I’m doing right now. And please, don’t say “YOU’VE GOT THIS!” Because FUCK THAT. NO, I don’t “GOT THIS”…….I’m learning every day and I don’t think I’ll ever “GET THIS” because if I did, that’ll mean I’m perfect and I’m not. Because there’s so much to learn every day. It’s OK to make mistakes—- that’s what I tell my son. I tell him, “Making mistakes is how you learn.” Failing is OK. And maybe I need to tell myself that. Yes, I do. I’m not a failure. I’m going through a rough patch, but I know I’ll be OK. And my circle of friends is pretty much non-existent—- I’ve wiped the slate clean and dumped all the toxic people out of my life. I have only a few physical friends that I associate with now—- and yes, it’s kinda lonely at times because I don’t have very many people I feel like I can talk to, but at the same time, I feel LIBERATED AND FREE because now I don’t have to deal with toxic bullshit. Again, it’s a catch-22. But I know for a FACT that I made the right decisions in who I associate with.

I HAVE A CHOICE.

I have a choice in who I choose to associate with. I have a choice in how I decide to “show up” today. Today, I feel a bit better after writing all this. And I better not see another fucking zit when I look in the mirror today! FUCK!!!! Anyways, if you’re struggling with “life”, I understand……and thank GOD I’m NOT in active addiction……OMG, I would not be alive if that were the case. And I have EVERYTHING TO LIVE FOR TODAY. MY SON. MY SON IS MY WORLD AND MY REASON. Thank you, God, for making me a mommy—- thank you for my beautiful son. Everything is going to be OK. Just put one foot in front of the other—- keep moving forward.