WHAT MADE ME DECIDE TO GET SOBER?

I was just asked this question by a Sobermomlife follower a couple days ago, so I wanted to share my answer with you. I decided to get sober because my soul felt like it was dying. Emotionally, mentally and spiritually I was dying. Physically, my body was literally beat up.....after a fucked up night of drinking, I’d usually wake up with bruises on my body — from either falling down; running into something or things got a bit too wild in the bedroom (that’s another story)— not abusive.....just wild play. I just couldn’t keep on living like this— drinking was killing me. Towards the end (this time around), I could only last like 7 to 10 days of being out— mentally, I just couldn’t keep on drinking like I was. I felt like I was going fucking INSANE. The cycle was: go out for a week, then try to get sober for a bit; then go out again for a week, then crawl back to AA again. It just fucking sucked so hard— I was fucking beyond miserable.

And since drugs are a part of my story, once I started drinking, I wanted to get even more fucked up— whatever that meant....coke, Ecstasy, pain pills, whip-its, acid, weed, etc. My hardline was no needles and no Heroin, Meth or Crack. I didn’t do Meth or Crack mainly because of vanity reasons— I didn’t want to “look older”. Yeah.....OK. But hey, whatever works. Everything else was game. 

And if I was wasted, my self-worth would be in the shitter, so I’d try to fill that empty hole (pun not intended....lol) with men.....lots and lots and lots of men.....and sometimes women and couples. And THAT is yet ANOTHER story. So, yeah, my life was fucking crazy and I wasn’t driving— nobody was. I knew I needed to change my ways or else I’d die very soon, but KNOWING AND DOING ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ANIMALS. 

My sobriety date is October 8, 2016. God willing, I’ll have 4 years sober on October 8, 2020. I turned 44 on September 21, 2020. I started drinking when I was 16. Fuck, that’s 24 years of drinking— that’s a long time to wreak havoc on my body. This time, however, is not my first “go at it” getting sober. I believe I was about 26 years old when I first got sober. I did NOT want to admit that I was an alcoholic. In the beginning, when I first started going to AA meetings, I refused to identify as “an alcoholic”, so I’d say, “Hi, I’m Michelle. I MIGHT be an alcoholic.” I spent most of the time in those meetings crying— I got to be known for my crying......fucking awesome. I’ll talk more about my crying and what that meant for me— that’s ANOTHER BLOG SESSION! 

So, at age 26, I strung together 9 months of sobriety, then relapsed on pills.....didn’t drink though. Got sober again for 6 years (I was married at the time) and then relapsed— I drank and did a bunch of drugs: pain pills and coke were my “other” go-to’s. And then, shit just went downhill from there. I’ll talk more about that shit during another blog session.

Jump ahead a few years and it’s February 2011. I was divorced and moved across the country from Alabama to Phoenix. Because everybody knows that changing your geographic location will fucking fix things. 😳 Long story short, I became a chronic relapser. I would have 9 months, then relapse.....go 1 or 2 months clean, then drink again. I believe it was in 2015, where I had almost 3 years, then relapsed on pills— I didn’t drink......yet. Then in May 2016, I relapsed on alcohol. I actually drank with my son’s father— that was fucked up. It was a fucking SHIT STORM. The relapsing continued until October 7, 2016— that was the last day I drank or used. I got sober on October 8, 2016. 

I banged my head on the concrete for almost 30 fucking years— I didn’t change my drunken ways until my soul was literally black and dying. 

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted a better life, so I changed— I got sober. It takes what it takes....and sometimes it doesn’t. 

I’m soooooo glad I got my shit together sooner rather than later. Getting sober was the absolute BEST decision of my life.

At 5 months sober— on March 17, 2017, I found out I was pregnant with my son, Donnie. I was 6 weeks pregnant at that time. For the first time in my life, I felt like my life FINALLY HAD A PURPOSE!!! I HAD SOMETHING (SOMEONE) TO LIVE FOR NOW!!!! I WAS GOING TO BE A MOM!! Donnie is seriously my miracle baby. When my son’s father was alive, we tried to get pregnant for over a year and nothing!! Then, when we officially got back together in January 2017, I got pregnant on February 14, 2017 (but didn’t know it at the time) and my son’s father died from a Fentanyl overdose on March 17, 2017. We literally got pregnant within 1 month of trying!!! How miraculous is that??!!! I was getting concerned that I might not be able to get pregnant since we had tried for so long— and plus, being that I was 40– I got scared that maybe I was too old to have a child. Thank GOD I was wrong about that!!!

⭐️ FACTS: 

I wouldn’t have my son if I weren’t sober— guaranteed. 

I wouldn’t be alive if I weren’t sober— guaranteed.

I’ve experienced tragedy, yes, but I’ve also experienced miracles, meaning the birth of my son, Donnie Aiden. Sometimes people have to die (meaning my son’s dad) for others to live (meaning me and my son) — I 💯% believe this. 

I’m so blessed to have the beautiful life that God graced me with. I thank God everyday for my sweet son. I’m so grateful that God had other, bigger plans for me and He didn’t want me to die. I’m so grateful that God wanted me to me a mom to my precious boy, Donnie. Thank you, God. Thank you. God is so good....ALL the time. With God, ALL things are possible. Hell fucking yeah.