IF YOU'VE BEEN FEELING DEPLETED, READ THIS

This applies to everyone…..single moms; moms that are either married or in a committed relationship; dads; grandparents; aunts; uncles……whatever you’d like to call yourself. I’m a mom— A FULL-TIME MOM AND I’M A PROFESSIONAL. I’m a Designer, Writer and a licensed Mortgage Loan Officer. I fucking do it ALL, baby. And doing “it all” sometimes leaves me absolutely fucking depleted. Here’s the deal— it’s JUST ME— and THAT’S OK— my life today is soooooo much fuller and more beautiful than 5 years ago (before I got sober). My son is MY LIFE— he is and I love him more than words. My 16-year old pup, Kahlua, is needing a lot of attention right now— special food: I’m cooking her rice and tuna now for her meals and I have to help her up when she lies on the hardwood floors (which is 80% of the time). Kahlua is losing her vision, too. It’s really hard watching her get older…..ugh. I’ve had Kahlua since she was 6 months old! Kahlua has been with me through it ALL! She’s a hearty pup, man. And my crazy cat, Milla— good Lordt that cat is fucking ALWAYS hangry! I swear she has a tape worm (she doesn’t). She literally will scream and walk all over my face until I feed her. Good times. I love my animals, but FUCK!!— give a girl a break! Oh, well. I’ll deal with it….just like I do with everything else.

I digress……my main point in writing this is to tell ya’ll WHAT I DO WHEN I’M SICK, STRESSED AND HAVE TO BE A FULL-TIME MOM (WHICH IS ALWAYS). I’ve literally been sick with a sinus infection for 4 years…..basically since I was preggers (beginning Feb 2017). I’ve had 2 sinus surgeries in the past 2 years and they’ve helped, but I’m still sick. My ENT thinks there’s “something else” going on. I saw my ENT this week. Now, I have to get blood work on 12/2 and then go BACK to see my ENT to talk about the results of my blood work. I always get nervous when there’s not an “easy” solution to my sickness— I think, “Am I going to die from this????” Ugh……hopefully it’s not dreadful news. So, back to STAYING IN THE SOLUTION. I really HAVE to stay in the solution or I’ll go fucking crazy and I can’t afford to go fucking crazy— I’m a mom….my son needs me. Here’s the deal: I DO THE FUCKING WORK. If I’m stressed about XYZ, then I take action to get to a positive solution. I just keep moving forward and keep doing the work. I try and keep my head out of the “what if’s” because that isn’t helpful. Now, I’m not saying that I’m delusional to reality, I’m saying that I focus on what action I can DO to help me feel better or to solve my problems vs. worrying and freaking out. Worrying and freaking out does NOT change things— it makes them WORSE. Plus, if I’m worrying about the stuff I’m freaking out about, then I’ll fucking manifest that shit…….and I don’t want to do that!!!

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, just fucking TAKE ACTION. Your actions can be small, but just keep moving forward. I’ve been sick for the past 3 months……and just lately, I’ve been REALLY SICK the past 4 weeks. It’s all sinus related. Donnie’s caught 2 little bugs from daycare and he’s better in like 20 seconds……me, well, it takes me fucking forever to get semi-healed. I fucking talk about my sinus shit a lot, dude. I just realized that. It does put a huge damper on my life and my mood. I’m not contagious (my ENT told me), so I’m not going to get anyone sick— my shit is bacterial. Good times. I’m just tired of hacking up, coughing, not being able to breathe and being in pain (facial pain and headaches). When I’m really sick, it makes doing all my many duties MUCH MORE CHALLENGING. And then I’m crabby— because I’m fucking sick and I’m not sleeping well. And I don’t want to take out my anger on Donnie— he’s just a kid….he just wants to play. But Donnie has been so cute…..he’s been asking me, “Are you OK????” He asks this when I’m hacking up a lung. My little buddy is worried about his mama and I totally get that. Ugh…….and then he’s also scared of my coughing……I think it’s more that he’s scared something is going to happen to me. I reassure him that I’m going to be OK…….and then immediately following that, I fucking hack up a lung. Dude, I need to get better. I don’t want to always be sick with a sinus infection— my ENT has got to find an answer for me!!!

And you know what else helps me when I’m stressed?— talking to someone about it. I talked with my mom yesterday about all the stuff that has been going on and I felt a lot better afterwards. I really try to keep things to myself because I don’t want to stress anyone else out with my problems, but that sometimes backfires on me— like it did, recently. All my stress had boiled to the top and it overfloweth. And I fucking was going to lose it…..not really, but I needed to take some ACTION. I also Saged myself and Saged Kahlua— that helps ground me and cleanse me.

Another thing I did that helped was that I made the decision that I was going to be happy and have a good attitude. And when I picked Donnie up from school yesterday, I did JUST THAT. I was in a good mood and guess what???— Donnie was in a good mood! It’s NO coincidence that when I’m in a good mood, my son is in a good mood. Energy is contagious!!! We laughed and played last evening……it was great! Yes, there were some small tantrums Donnie had, but nothing I couldn’t handle and I didn’t get irritated. Earlier this week, I was short with Donnie and I took out my frustrations on him for a couple days— I apologized to him and I didn’t want to do that shit a 3rd day, so I changed my attitude!

Sometimes it takes MULTIPLE THINGS TO CHANGE MY ATTITUDE, so don’t expect your attitude to magically change if you do just 1 thing……for example, if you ONLY talk to a friend about what’s going on and you know you really need to do some more self care like walking or taking a shower to feel better. Do as much positive stuff as you can handle. And sometimes I just fucking force myself to do stuff because it’s much better to just get it done vs. worrying about getting it done! Yes, sometimes doing the work fucking SUCKS BALLS, but nobody said it was going to be easy. God promises a safe landing……He didn’t say that the journey would be cake.

I have to mention this, too— yesterday, I fantasized about drinking. Yeah, I know my stress is fucking HEAVY when I do that shit. I wanted some fucking relief….I wanted an escape from my problems. I wanted to feel better ASAP. Now, I’m not going to drink….but I want ya’ll to know that drinking thoughts WILL INDEED HAPPEN— it’s important to talk about them. The more you talk about them, the less powerful they are. Don’t keep that shit a secret— get it out. So, I’m getting it out. I’m telling on myself. I’m talking about what WAS and IS in my head. I’m talking about that I thought about drinking. I don’t WANT to drink……it’s just that my alcoholic mind is always going to be a part of me. It’s when I’m stressed that “those drinking thoughts” are more likely to “surface”. It’s OK to have these drinking thoughts— just keep them as THOUGHTS.

Ok, ya’ll, I’m signing off for now. I feel good that I wrote a blog! That’s 1 positive thing I can check off for myself— I’m 1 step closer to my goal!! Love ya’ll!