DEALING WITH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
Just recently, I was asked by a friend how I deal with my son’s dad’s death— meaning, what are some of my coping mechanisms that I use. Let me tell you, it’s been a long journey dealing with my son’s dad’s death and it has NOT been easy— it’s been fucking tough as fuck. I cried for 4 months solid after I found out about my son’s dad’s death— that totally fucked up my poor sinuses. And I didn’t want to cry so hard and so constantly because I was pregnant! I didn’t want my little baby to feel this pain I was feeling. But my child is perfect…..emotionally and physically— I’m so grateful and blessed for that. I’ve had 2 sinus surgeries in the last 2 years and my sinuses are still fucked. I’m in constant pain— my face throbs continuously from sinus pressure. I have a chronic sinus infection that will not go away. I have an almost constant headache from sinus pressure (and tension)….I have a headache right now. It does fucking suck to be in constant pain. Antibiotics don’t work— believe me, I’ve tried all of them. It’s beyond frustrating. Being in constant pain does put a damper on my mood, but I’ve learned to deal with it because I have to. I know I take way too much Advil, but pain pills are not an option for this girl— I’d eat the whole bottle.
I digress….back to staying in the solution. Death sucks.....there’s no easy way of dealing with it, but the pain does get less raw— as long as you do the work— meaning, work on yourself, etc.
Coping skills I use / have used and continue to use:
Not drinking or using, for one.
Writing/journaling/blogging/Vlogging
Exercise
Laughing and being silly with my son and/or friends
Getting enough sleep
Instilling healthy emotional boundaries for myself— PROTECT YOUR FUCKING SPACE.
Talking about where I am emotionally
Giving myself a pat on the back about the progress I’ve made
Self-care: taking a shower; resting; reading positive literature; eating healthy foods
Playing with my son— being present and in the moment and being a good parent.
Not watching the news (been doing that for awhile now)
Staying around positive, supportive people
Feeding my soul— reading introspective articles; learn new things/skills; writing; designing
Remember to not take things so personally (most of the time how someone behaves towards you has absolutely nothing to do with you)
Cry— cry as much as you need to.
Scream as loud as you want to. Expressing emotions is good thing— it means you’re human and you’ve got a heart.
Write a letter to your loved one that has passed and then burn it.
Get on antidepressants if you need to— I’m on Wellbutrin...it helps.
Talk to a therapist— I’m still needing to address my PTSD. Feeling scared about embarking on this adventure.
Watch action movies— shit that blows up, guns, fast cars and hot guys— works for me. :)
And trusting God because He’s knows what’s up. Trusting the process.
Praying; meditating; saging myself; grounding techniques
Ask for help and emotional support.
Listen to music— after my son’s dad died, I did not listen to music for 1 year— emotionally, I just wasn’t able to. Every song seemed like it was a trigger for me— my PTSD would “flare up” and my mind would slip into that black hole of fear, sadness, anger and despair. It fucking sucked. Donnie was about 3-months old when I turned on some music— I believe it was a Britany Spears song! I wanted Donnie to be able to listen to music— music is so important in a child’s development. It was baby steps for me, but I was able to make it through to the other side. I loved music and not being able to listen to it for a year was excruciatingly difficult. I’m so happy I’m able to listen to it now.
I also did not watch tv for 1 year— like absolutely nothing…no movies either…..ZERO, ZILCH, NADA. The first movie I watched after a year of tv celibacy was a Mission Impossible movie. I don’t think I cried. I think Donnie was around 3-months old when I watched my first movie after a year. I had to watch movies that involved shit blowing up; guns; hot guys; fast cars— 100% action. I could not watch romantic movies; murder mystery movies or movies that focused on drug addiction. My movie watching spectrum was quite limited. The fear of having a PTSD “episode” was too high, so I was literally in silence for my entire pregnancy. Well, of course, the chatter in my head was fucking loud as balls, so maybe not so quiet internally.
Dealing with the death of a loved one is not easy, but it is possible to deal with it SOBER. I was watching Nemo with my son tonight and this thought comes to mind,
“Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.”
This is what Dorie annoyingly sung to Marlin (Nemo’s dad), when they were on their journey to find Nemo. It’s true though— just keep fucking swimming, no matter what!! Don’t drink no matter what!! It’s worked for me. My 4-year sobriety birthday is coming up— October 8, 2020. Super stoked about that….and super grateful. God is so good…ALL the time.