RABBIT HOLES AND WHATNOT
So, Donnie has been going to daycare for the past 2 weeks— he’s been going 3 days a week right now. My fucking PLAN was to spend most of this “free time” (there’s no free time when you’re a single mom, btw) looking for a Mortgage Loan Officer job and guess what???— that hasn’t happened because I’ve been sick all this week. I’m just feeling frustrated because I have so much stuff to do in a short amount of time— meaning getting all my shit done whilst Donnie is in daycare. Dude, I could give you a ton of examples of all the shit I have to do, but I’ll spare you the drama! lol I guess I just need a hug!!! Awwww! lol Seriously, though…..a hug from a person I love (other than my son) would be nice right about now.
Long story short, Donnie is going to daycare tomorrow because I’ve GOT to get some shit done! OMG. Being a mama is fucking hard, dude. Donnie was a bit cranky when I picked him up from daycare today. He’s an angel at school, then he lets it all out with mama. And I totally want him to do that— it means he feels safe with me to let out all of his feelings…..whatever they might be. It’s just hard on me because I haven’t seen him all day and when I get him, he’s cranky. Oh, well…..I’ll be fine. I just wish I wasn’t so fucking tired. Oh yeah, here’s an idea, Michelle— how about you go to be before 1am and see if that makes you feel any better??? Shut the fuck up. Yes, I’m sure that would fucking help. THANKS, SELF. It’s nice that I can have full conversations with myself not only in my head, but with ya’ll! Very cool.
Another thing that’s cool is when I get messages from friends that say they are really enjoying my SOBERMOMLIFE posts and encourage me to carry on with my bad self in sobriety! UP, UP AND AWAY I GO!!! I’m a super hero now, in case you didn’t know. Dude, I feel like Wonder Woman or Cat Woman— how about a mix between them both— WONDER CAT??? Sure, that’ll work.
You know, everybody is just trying to fry their own egg and make a good life for themselves. Well, I guess not everybody is trying to make a good life……some are being swallowed hole by their addiction and that’s a Goddamn tragedy. But here’s the deal— as long as you’re still sucking air, it’s not too late to get sober. It’s only too late to get sober when you’re fucking dead. And I don’t want to see you dead.
When I was rocking my son to sleep in his room tonight, my mind drifted off thinking about his dad. I started to get sad. I missed him tonight. I don’t miss his addiction— I miss the sober him. I miss the idea of him and I was imagining him holding Donnie in his arms. Fuck, just typing this is making me tear up. He was so fucking stupid to leave before the miracle happened. I know God needed to take him, but STILL. It still fucking hurts— all of it. But it’s a lot less raw than it used to be— I’ve done a fuck ton work on processing all of it, but I still deal with PTSD. And I have to address that with a Therapist or Psychiatrist of some sort— that’s on my to-do list.
Isn’t is fun going down rabbit holes? Ok, well, I’m going to take a shower because I want to be clean in my nice clean sheets— isn’t that feeling THE BEST??? Love ya’ll.